by Clarence Hill
The character of your friends means everything. Many people excuse the behavior and lifestyles of their friends in the name of “reaching out” to unbelievers as they believe that Jesus did. They profess to be seeking “common ground”. When the scripture says that Jesus was a friend of sinners, please understand that his befriending was not a matter of him having to lean on them in life. They were not influencing his life decisions and being an ear to him when he faced difficulty. Jesus did not get lulled to sleep in his walk with the Father by being around them. He was not tempted to dabble with sin after being in the presence of those with ungodly lifestyles. These friends never influenced him to forsake his calling, love the world or struggle in his commitment to righteousness and saving souls.
He didn’t call any unbeliever his “best friend”. Only those given to the will of God were considered his personal friends. This friendship factor has been the downfall of many new converts who would not make the choice to receive new friends after their “best friends” refused the cross. It is always a danger sign when someone makes a declaration to serve Christ and they never have a desire to change friends. Paul, who gave the term “common ground”, was not suggesting that we do anything more than be willing to be in their worlds without unnecessary offence. When your “best friend” becomes a source of contention in your marriage, don’t foolishly throw away your marriage for an individual who is outside of your covenant. Realize that a true friend would absence themselves before they let your marriage fall apart.
Remember that Christ came to give to the lost, not to receive from them. You must keep this distinction. Your marriage depends on it. Forsaking this proper distinction has caused horrible shipwreck to many lives and marriages. Even when the lifestyle of others who are not sold out to Christ seems harmless, their constant “enjoyment” of living life the way they want to and their seeming to be so happy has subtly moved many spouses to begin to despise their mates. For example, a husband’s best friend and co-worker loves to fish or play video games all weekend. Every Monday he returns to work boasting of his great adventures and how much fun he had. This best friend is not married. He has a live-in girlfriend. He seems to be so harmless and is such a likeable guy. He doesn’t dog religion and claims that he believes in being good. He also believes that God has blessed him with a good life.
This poor husband, unaware of his friend’s subtle influence, begins to have more and more difficulty making the constant sacrifices necessary to build a strong marriage and a godly home for his children. He now feels like his life is not “fun” anymore. He’s getting older and his life has only more struggle and difficulty. He never stopped to realize that unbelievers may seem to have more “play time” on earth, but it is vain. The book of Hebrews says that sin has pleasure, but that it is temporary. An unbeliever’s choices are like the story of the grasshopper that played all summer long while the ants worked. When winter came, the grasshopper froze and the ants enjoyed the fruit of their sacrifice. The cold winter of death will come to all and what will the so-called, fun-filled, life of the unbeliever have to bring before God. This husband is a poor husband (one to be pitied) only because he has forgotten the truth about life and eternity. On top of that, this very friendly influence is what is actually draining the true joy of his heart. If this husband’s life is boring, it’s not because of God’s will. This husband’s weak heart gets lured back into the world and now what benefit was it to keep this friendship with such a “good guy”?
It happens with wives also. It could be an old friend who never married or is divorced. She’s excelling in her career. She’s in the gym three days a week. She is slender and attractive. She’s always got some new dream that she’s working toward and life seems like it is so full. This poor wife looks in the mirror and can hardly remember the last time she felt stunning or turned a head. In fact, she still has a little weight from the last pregnancy and her motivation to exercise is sporadic at best. Don’t get me wrong, she is sharp and actually could go toe to toe with the brightest and best. Yet, gradually and for some reason unknown to her, every difficulty that comes to her marriage becomes harder and harder to swallow. Issues use to provoke her to pray and seek God, now she wonders, “Where is the joy?” Is all of this constant “working through things” even worth it? Her “friend” seems so alive and happy. Maybe she and her husband would be better off in their own worlds. She is a “poor wife” only because she has forgotten the joy of leaving the world behind and living for God at all costs. The very confusion of her heart destroys her ability to be creative and make a joyful home.
Do you understand the power of subtle influence? We are called to reach the lost and be friends to sinners, but the sharing of intimate life is something reserved only for those who bear the fruit of being faithful disciples to Jesus Christ. Those who know Christ have a promise that gives purpose to pain, a reward to suffering and an abounding joy in good times and bad. Many have fallen into sin, turned cold to God’s purpose and lost a true love for their spouse seeking “common ground” and indiscriminately keeping a mixed circle of friends. There doesn’t need to be any confusion. God loves those who are sold out to him. He loves those who yet live for themselves. He loves the murderer, the rapists and the thief. Only be careful not to think that you are required to share intimate life with just anyone. Remember that Jesus came to seek and to save the lost, not to leave men the same. The character and comfortable lifestyles of the unsaved are not to influence your moral standard, nor your joy in doing God’s will. An intimate friend must be one who is like-minded in their beliefs about the purpose of life, because those who share life with you will affect your course somehow.
Not only is it important to know the character of would-be intimate friends, but you must also see the character of a person’s friends. This may seem as overkill, but keep in mind that it is your marriage that you are working to insulate against a culture that has destroyed family lineages and is totally ready to destroy yours too. When you see the thousands of divorced individuals, don’t think that there aren’t real matters to consider that may be uncomfortable subjects. Your marriage is worth carefully protecting. Today’s circumstances move us to be vigilant and not ignorant, sentimental and foolish, when it comes to timeless truths about people that have never changed. It is amazing how fast people refuse to use the rule of knowing a person by their friends. While it is true that your friends do not totally define your character, the danger is that the character and influence of your friends may gain an inroad into your life and marriage!
This scenario of dangerous inroads is like that of the sentimental mother, who refuses to tell her wayward son to stay out of her house until he cleans his life up and shows proof of his change. She is the nicest person you’ll ever meet. Yet, because of her sentiment, this bad influence goes in and out of her home, draining the heart of the mother from the rest of the family, dragging sin in and out of the door, consuming food, finances and often making it unsafe for the children that are in the home. This kind of sentiment is so ungodly because it has proven to be the gateway that has allowed wolves to destroy many precious lambs, leaving molested and abused little girls and boys, that grow up bitter, angry toward God and sometimes homosexual. Why would anyone in their sound mind allow such wickedness to have an inroad? The answer is “ungodly sentiment”. Some of the “sweetest” people on earth have it, so be watchful. People with ungodly sentiment can make the best friends that you ever dreamed of, but they are people who just can’t say “No”. They are afraid to offend others, totally unlike the nature of Christ.
This gap in their character seems acceptable until you consider some unfortunate facts. Many situations of adultery take place between a spouse and a friend of a friend. Also, when many divorced individuals remarry, you find out that they had their eye on a friend of a friend. This is not to build distrust in your hearts. This is written to bring sobriety to couples. The hope is that you will choose your friends together and help to guard each other from certain unnecessary temptations. The concern of a spouse may not be with your nice (and sentimental) friend. It is more likely their questioning of who else may be at their house or whatever function that you may be attending. You can tell the value of a precious stone by how well it is guarded. How precious is your marriage? If you value your marriage, insulate it with sound friendships that are not curious. Are you afraid to tell a sweet person that you just can’t be friends with them, because of their other friends that are obviously not good to be around. Why have questionable friendships and relationships that you are not sure of? Life is too short to fail and marriages are too precious to lose over someone else. If you act wisely and pay the price, you can have friendships that are more than o.k. You can invest in friends that will one day add to your commitment to loving God, loving your spouse and doing God’s will for your life.
The wisdom of couples is to know the effect of friends and to rightly judge which friends to allow into the intimate places of their marriage. A wise couple will sit down and list all of their present friends. Then they will give a red pen to their spouse and say, “Cross out the friends (from best friends and long-time friends to co-workers and near strangers) that you don’t believe should be our friends on an individual basis or as a couple.” After crossing out the names, they will then have a mature conversation and discuss why they crossed out certain names. In respect for each other, they will refuse to keep acquaintance with those that their spouse is uncomfortable with or with those that their spouse believes is an ungodly influence. In cases where one spouse believes that the other has wrongly judged, they must commit it to prayer and ask the Father to open their spouse’s heart concerning that particular individual or couple. Keeping a friend that both the husband and the wife do not agree on is not wise. [Please note that separating from a friend at the request of a spouse is not a Biblical requirement unless that friend is in sin. These encouragements to lay down questionable relationships are advisory because of the times that we live in and because of the truths of association.] Quite often a spouse will soon discover something very true that was not positive about a particular person or persons as time goes on. Every caution about a potential or an existing friend cannot always be put into words, so be careful of forcing your spouse to have to explain their desire to withdraw from a relationship when all they can testify of, is being uncomfortable. Many people have hidden sin in their lives or deep bitterness that can affect others. Discomfort is often a sign that you should not yet fully give your heart in that relationship. How can your spouse explain the “feeling” of being looked upon with lust? How can a spouse articulate the inner cautions of their heart without seeming too judgmental? Give each other room to be right or wrong. A couple shows great wisdom by building the field hands of friendships together and in perfect agreement.
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Remember to read
Friendships Part 3
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