By Clarence Hill
There is a type of marriage that is neither hot nor cold. There aren’t many arguments and there aren’t many kisses. They’ve been together for a few years and both are prone to pretty much the same behavior. They would declare that they really understand one another and at least one of the two, if not both, is satisfied with life this way.
They used to argue and struggle, hoping to see their great expectations of the ultimate marriage fulfilled, since both were convinced that they had found the right mate. Yet they only grew weary and bothersome to each other as they discovered their spouse to be less adaptable and less fond of change after they were officially married. Due to battle scars, they are both now convinced that it is neither good nor right to desire change in the life of their spouse concerning anything from lifestyle to spending habits to religion. They now believe that to desire change in their marriage and in their personal lives is to not accept someone for whom they are. Therefore they have chosen to be happy with whatever comes in their marriage as long as they are still married.
They have to some degree or another classified the twinkle in the eye, the longing to see each other, the holding of hands, the phrase ‘I Love You’ and the sharing of the heart to be all a phase for the newlywed couple to enjoy. They believe those that do keep a steady flame in their marriage were divinely made for each other and lucked out. As far as they are concerned, that is neither real life, nor should it be an expectation for the majority. They are convinced that their marriage is just fine (especially since they’re still together and hardly argue). They have settled for life as they have it.
This is the picture of a lukewarm marriage. A lukewarm marriage is a relationship where a man and a woman have grown indifferent to one another.
The desire to become one in heart,
the dream of resting the intimate secrets and longings of your soul in the bosom of a best friend for life,
the thoughts of sharing all of the hurts, pains and failures of your life in the comfort of one who believes in you and brings you hope…
have all been laid down.
Some couples have laid these desires and dreams down because of wars in the marriage, while others, due to painful experiences that occurred long before marriage, brought little or no expectations for fear of losing the marriage. Whatever the case may be, these desires and dreams have been set aside.
Like the natural desire of a baby to be held and of a teenager to be understood, even so, the desire to seek a resting place in the heart of a spouse is the way God designed mankind to be. God created man and woman for each other, for when He had created Adam, He said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable to him”. Upon this statement, He created a wife for Adam and gave the ultimate solution to man’s need for relationship. Having originally had no one to share his life with, Adam would now have someone that could relate to him, understand him, and help him. The desire for a man and woman to be one in heart and purpose in a marriage is the way God made us. However, the lukewarm have settled and redirected their desires to be fulfilled in other things.
The term lukewarm was chosen to describe this kind of marriage, because of the way it is used to describe a church mentioned in the Bible that had lost the zeal and the desire to be fruitful servants of the Lord. They had lost it and did not have any concern for their poor spiritual state because they had all the earthly goods they needed. They enjoyed their lives and as they saw it, they “had need of nothing”. However, the Lord called them “poor, miserable, wretched and blind”, exhorting them to zealously repent and seek the eternal riches and a true walk with God.
This lukewarm church was happy as long as everything in life was going well for them. They did not measure the fullness of their lives by how much the Lord was being pleased, but by the fact that they were pleased. They still gathered together to sing, offer prayers and give thanks to God, but their eyes were blinded to the poverty of their present relationship to God. They worshipped him with their lips but their hearts were far from Him. An equation had formed in their hearts that said, “If I’m happy, God must be happy and if God were mad, I wouldn’t be blessed with so many earthly things”.
The lukewarm church was happy, but God wasn’t. This scenario is also true in the lukewarm marriage, where at least one of the two, if not both, are satisfied with all the things they enjoy in life, while giving little, if any, care to pleasing the heart of the other. This couple forms an equation similar to the lukewarm church that says, “If I’m happy my spouse should be happy (or happy for me) and if my spouse were displeased, we wouldn’t be ‘getting along’ so well”.
Do understand that the hearts of a lukewarm couple have not grown cold; they have found excitement and pleasure in other things. Their desires have found fulfillment in old friends, relatives, hobbies, entertainment, yesterday’s goals, careers, and the like. Intimacy has grown foreign and the love that once burned has faded into a distant memory. While some lukewarm couples may yet engage in physical relations, they lack the true intimacy that is a crown to a marriage of longevity. True intimacy possesses the intimacy of heart where two freely share their thoughts and the depths of their hearts so that all physical intimacy becomes an offspring of what is so real and overflowing within. It is in the deep places of the heart where two are knit together and become guardians of the treasures of each other’s dreams, desires and affections.
What can a person do to change his/her marriage from lukewarm to hot? The first and most powerful step in bringing about change is to first be changed. For then you will have the patience to dwell with your spouse in an understanding way and freedom from selfish motives that taint what God may desire to show your spouse through you. As long as un-forgiveness lingers in your heart, as long as you give up all hope that God will change your spouse’s selfish habits, you have yet to allow the love of Christ to live in you. The Word of God says that “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails.”
This may seem hard to grasp, but it is by this love that God has received the death of His Son Jesus as payment for our sins thus granting forgiveness and the gift of eternal life to all who believe on Jesus and live for Him. This very love lives in every heart that has repented of their sins and truly received Christ as Lord and Savior. Every soul that has received Christ must choose to live by the love of God that has been given them.
The first and most powerful step in bringing about change is to first be changed.
If you have become lukewarm towards your spouse, the scriptures call for you to repent and turn back to your first affections. It not only says to repent, but to be zealous and repent, meaning turn back with some desire and don’t let a day go by without making Practical Steps to True Intimacy with your spouse.
Jesus is our example of character in every relationship. He told His disciples that He came not to be served but to serve and to give His life a ransom for many. Let’s follow Him in what we say and what we do. Never stop believing that there is hope for you and your spouse to have a godly marriage for with God “all things are possible”. Let change begin with you!
The following “Study Notes” have been provided to encourage you and your spouse to grow deeper in your relationship through personal study in the Word of God.
Study Notes
1. Ephesians 5:31
2. Genesis 2:18
3. Genesis 2:18 - 25
4. Revelation 3:14 - 22
5. Matthew 15:8
6. Luke 12:13 - 21
7. Matthew 7:3 - 5
8. 1 Peter 3:7
9. 1 Corinthians 13:7,8
10. John 3:16
11. 1 John 5:1 - 3
12. Revelation 3:19
13. Matthew 20:28
14. 1 John 3:8
15. Mark 10:26,27
16. Romans 2:1 - 11
WHY STUDY??
Because Mark 4:24 (AMP) says,
“The measure of thought and study you give to the truth you hear will be the measure of virtue and knowledge that comes back to you.”
Note: If you have broken promises often, do not make a big deal to your spouse about your new intentions. Allow time to rebuild trust. Make simple steps towards opening the door of communication with your spouse and find a good friend who loves God and supports the success of your marriage to keep you accountable.
Practical Steps to True Intimacy
- Ask God to show you any way that you hinder your own good intentions in your marriage.
- Pray that God would help you see what makes you a difficult person to listen to or to speak with (or just ask a friend).
- Forgive your spouse for every way that they have offended you or betrayed your trust and give them a clean slate. Also, forgive them for what they may do in the future.
- Find out what environment helps your spouse communicate the best and make it happen as often and as best you can.
- Ex. Julie prepares a great meal and a relaxing evening over and over for her husband, because she knows he loves to talk, talk, talk after a good meal.
- Ex. Fred takes his wife on a short weekend trip, because he remembers that their best conversations have been on road trips.
- When you communicate, commit to seeking your own change and not your spouse’s change.
- Commit to seeing and thinking on all the things that you are thankful for in your marriage then share some of them with somebody.
- Practice speaking words of encouragement and appreciation to your spouse. Make a conscious effort to overlook faults. This will be easy as you practice step #6.
